Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
