Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Every concussion has its silver lining
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
