Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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