So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
