Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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