dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
