I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
