well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
