Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
