I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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