I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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