a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
