Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
