After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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