dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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