Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
