Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
