i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
