im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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