i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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