I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
high people should be assigned attendants
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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