does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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