you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
