In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
