the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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