I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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