There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
