How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
