i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
