Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
