I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
