Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
