he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
