I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
