Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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