Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
