Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
