Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
