oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
