so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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