i don't plan on having that self control this summer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
