I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Everyone says I win the strip club
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
