i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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