Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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