dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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