$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
