Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Did I show you my penis last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
