Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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