Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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