Are we in a gay sports bar?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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