I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
